10 Toes Down

The voice in my heart and soul said “Kellan -  it’s time to write” 

So here I am - ready to give this piece everything I have. 

But I have to bring you back in time for a brief moment. 

In 2019 when I started my first blog (‘Popular Depression’ - the OG’s know), I had zero expectations. All I had was a feeling in my heart, and a voice in my soul telling me to write and let it all out; and don’t hold back. 

So that’s what I did. I sat in my dorm room at SUNY Brockport, blasting David Gilmour's performance of Comfortably Numb Live in Pompeii 2016 over and over and over for probably 4+ hours. Tears flowed, pain was felt, but at the end of it, I wore a smile and it felt like a billion pounds was lifted off my shoulders. 

That first blog changed the trajectory of my life forever. 

I will never EVER forget the day I released it to the public. The overwhelming outpouring of support was truly a feeling that has no price. No amount of money in the world could buy that feeling. 

I think writing was one of God's gifts to me. I don’t know how to explain it - I didn’t ask for it, and I certainly never thought writing was going to be a big part of my life. But for whatever reason, on that night when I wrote my first blog, I knew I had just unlocked a door to the rest of my life. 

Don’t get me wrong, releasing that blog was not easy. It was vulnerable, it was dark, it was scary, I didn’t know how people would respond to it, but I knew with every fiber of my being that it had to be done. 

It was on that day that I knew I had a bigger purpose on this earth. It was on that day when I truly believed there was something bigger than me, working through me for a greater purpose. That purpose was simply to help others, or at least be a voice for those struggling. 

However, I realize that “helping people” is broad. Through years of self reflection, I refined what I believe to be my purpose. 

Being a pioneer in the progression of Mental Health Education is what I’ve landed on; and what every project I have ever worked on since has been centered around. 

Tattoos, paintings, writings, podcasts, videos - everything I have worked on since the very first blog has in some way or another been aimed at helping others. I pour everything into my art. And I know I have no control over how it is received, but I do pray that it resonates with others in some form. And if I can help just one person through a troublesome time in their life, it is all worth it. 

Now - here we are. March 9, 2025. 

I have been leaning into my heart recently. I have been very honest with myself about who I am, and what I want to do with my life. And most importantly, I have accepted my purpose and stopped trying to fight it.

I want to do everything in my power to fulfill what I believe God put me on this earth to do. 

I have never been able to say what I am about to say and FULLY believe it, until right now at this very moment - 

I am ALIVE. 

I am AWAKE.

I am 10 toes down, ready to take on life.

I am ready to give it everything I have, and do whatever it takes to fulfill my purpose. 

Now I am not oblivious to the fact that life gets difficult. I am no stranger to hard times. I have hit rock bottom a ridiculous amount of times. And when I say rock bottom, I mean rock fucking bottom- whether it was from being in so much pain from heartbreaks of many fashions, or fucking up so bad, not knowing how I will ever dig myself out of the hole that I put myself in.

For a more dramatic example, I am no stranger to crying myself to sleep. When I say I’ve been through some shit, I don’t say that lightly. I am no stranger to pain. I understand deeply what it means to be broken. 

I am still broken, and I honestly don’t think I will ever not be broken. But I am okay with that. I think it is a superpower. It has allowed me to relate to people of all walks of life. It has made me more compassionate, more empathetic, and most importantly - more grateful.

I can confidently say, I do not hold hate in my heart anymore.

I say all of this to get to my final point. 

To get to where I am today, writing this piece for the world to read, I’m not going to lie, it has taken a lot of work. And a stupid amount of digging DEEP into my heart - battling demons that I didn’t want to face, but knew I had to if I wanted to grow. 

I will leave you all with this - and I’ll try to keep it short and sweet because I know this has been a long read. Here are some practices I have been using recently to keep a clear head, and a full heart. 

Meditation, for roughly 30 minutes a day - I search meditation music on youtube and simply sit with myself and think. More importantly, I challenge myself. I go into meditations with the intention to grow - I don’t care if it hurts, I want to grow.

Consistent creativity - recently I have been designing tattoos like a mad man. Some are good, some are great, some are terrible, but it doesn’t matter. The consistency is what matters. It's exercising a part of my brain that needs to be exercised if I want to get better.

I stopped drinking - I don’t think I will be sober forever, but for this point in my life, I have big goals that won’t achieve themselves. And to accomplish these goals, I know in my heart they are going to require my full attention. Alcohol clouded my brain, and I can’t afford to have a cloudy brain right now. 

Prayer- this is probably the most important one for me. I have been dancing with my faith for my whole life I’d say, but have never fully leaned into it. Through my meditations and contemplation of life's meaning, I found my curiosity for God growing by the day.

I know “religion” is a strange subject in today's day and age, and rightfully so. It's heavy. And even though there has been a lot of good that has come from religion, there has also been a lot of bad that is “justified” in the name of religion. I am not oblivious to that. I completely understand why religion turns people off.  

Instead of using the word “religion”, I think about my faith in God and Jesus as simply that; faith. A belief in something that is bigger than myself. A belief that everything happens for a reason, and that God is with us, always.

I’m going to butcher this bible verse so don’t quote me on this, but it goes something like this - 

“Those who want to see, will see. Those who want to hear, will hear” 

I interpret that as Jesus saying -  “if you want to believe, you will believe. And if you don’t want to believe, you won’t. It is your choice. And I cannot force it upon you. You have to make that decision for yourself. It is your choice to walk this life with or without me” (again, I’m paraphrasing, just to be clear)

I think that is a great way to look at faith as a whole. I’ll use me as an example - Although the idea of Jesus is new to me, my faith in God is not. But I am the first to admit that I have a patchy relationship with God (meaning I’ve fallen in and out of believing at times) - all that to be said, I’ve noticed a pattern regarding my own personal mental health struggles. I’ve learned that the more I lean on God, the more at peace I am. The less I think about God, the more anxious, and impatient I am. 

So now that I’ve seen a pattern regarding the well being of my heart and mind, it has become a no brainer. I am choosing to walk this life with God, and using Jesus as an example; a role model for lack of better words. 

I believe it makes me a better person, a better friend, a better son, a better artist, and the list goes on. 

And for my last point, I want to emphasize that I am not trying to force any beliefs on anybody. 

If you’ve made it this far into the blog, I truly appreciate you from the bottom of my heart. I hope my words are heard with love radiating from them. 

The last part of this is a bullet point letter to myself - take it as you wish. I wrote it more as a time stamp for me to look back on.

• Do not force your beliefs on anyone. Do not give advice unless it is asked for. 

• You cannot help people that do not want to be helped. 

• You can pray for those in the fog, but you cannot bring them out of the fog, for that walk is only there’s to navigate. 

• Follow your heart. Your heart is with God. 

• Use Jesus as an example in times of pain and suffering. What would he do? 

• There is no “right” way to pray, there is no “right” way to be faithful. If faith is the path chosen, it will look different for everyone. Everyone must start somewhere, and intention is all that matters. 

• Dig deeper than you want to within yourself. There and only there is where you will find the truth. And the truth will set you free and bring you peace. 

• Everything will be okay. Everything happens for a reason, even if in the moment, none of it makes sense. 

• Control what you can control. 

• You are not a victim. 

• Lead with love, even in the presence of hate.

A friendly reminder - I am no saint. I have fucked up too many times to count. I will forever be learning and trying to grow. I am still broken, and I always will be. But I wouldn’t want it any other way. 

Love y’all. You mean the world to me.